Predator
by Alviarin
Summary: Youji makes a mistake by kissing Aya that he thinks may have been deadly and finds out that all is not well with the man and Aya may be damaged beyond repair. M/M Slash. Rated M fore swearing and violence. No sex.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I really suck at this oneshot thing. This story started out as one. I was inspired by Krewella's song "Killin' It"-don't judge me. Just read.

 **Chapter One**

Youji should have known better then to mess with Aya...seriously it was like playing with fire. Only instead of getting burned you got ripped to shreds. It had only been one little kiss for God's sake! Okay, so maybe he _had_ done it to get a rise out of the younger man, but was one little peck to the lips really worth _this_? Youji wasn't so sure as he ducked behind a tree to avoid his fellow assassin.

They had already completed their mission to take out a big time drug dealer who lived in a reclusive mountain retreat. Aya had killed the man with his usual grace and had then saved Youji's life by taking out the guards who'd been surrounding him. It had been a beautiful and somewhat arousing experience.

He had been caught by a large group of men as he'd been running through the yard and had just about despaired of surviving the encounter-he had been knocked to the ground and was staring up into the barrel of a gun-when Aya had leaped from the roof to land in the middle of Youji's attackers. A dark fury had been blazing in the redhead's violet eyes and there had been blood spattered across the pale skin of his face. The next few seconds had been a blur of movement and arterial spray. In the time it took Youji to blink twice the men surrounding him were dead and Aya was standing over Youji' s still prone form, palm outstretched. Youji had taken the other man's proffered hand and was helped to his feet. He'd looked around at the carnage, into Aya's eyes...then _it_ happened. The kiss. One damn lapse of judgment and here he was running from his own teammate.

Alright, so maybe it more a loss of control than a lapse in judgment. He _had_ been wanting to kiss Aya for longer than he would care to admit. Everything about the redhead set his blood on fire. Youji bit back a groan, remembering the feel of Aya's lips against his then shook himself and got moving. There was no way he could stay in one place, not with Aya hunting him. That thought gave him pause. Aya was _hunting_ him. Icy tendrils of fear wrapped around his heart and he looked around in panic. There was no one in sight, but he could feel eyes on him and as he set off at a run and could have sworn he heard someone laughing.

As he ran; rain began to fall. In minutes he was drenched as well as feeling his his lungs and muscles starting to burn. If he ever got out of this alive he promised himself that he would give up smoking. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of crimson and stopped dead in his tracks. He turned slowly, but saw nothing. No sign of the man hunting him down like an animal...like one of the dark beasts they slaughtered in the night. It was starting to get dark and Youji realized that he had no idea where he was or how to get back to the car.

"Fuck." He swore as he stood there gasping for air. His breath was whistling in his throat. He bent over, bracing himself on his knees as he fought for each one. A sound behind him made his entire body tense in fear. He whirled around, but there was nothing there. With his heart pounding in his chest he glanced wildly at his surroundings and wondered if Aya was just toying with him. He was sure the redhead had had ample opportunities to take him out, so why hadn't he? And why had he gotten so pissed in the first place? It had only been one little kiss, but Aya had been enraged. Why?

When the swordsman had helped him up Youji had looked into those violet orbs and for the first time since they'd met they were actually concerned. That brief glimpse of humanity had shattered Youji's resolve and had been snuffed out the second Youji's lips had touched his. Luckily the blonde had been born with good reflexes, otherwise he'd be dead right then. He'd seen the light in the younger man's eyes disappear and had backed off just as his katana had swept towards his throat. He'd tried to explain, but had had to run when Aya attacked him again, katana dangerously close to ending Youji's life.

The blonde shook himself and tried to get his bearings. He was surrounded by trees and had no idea from which direction he had come. As he shoved his cold hands into the pockets of his coat he cursed himself for a fool and pulled out his satellite phone. Omi had given him and Aya each one because their cell phones wouldn't work this high up the mountain. The blonde quickly dialed a number from memory.

"Moshi moshi." Omi answered after the third ring.

"Omi, I have a problem."

"What's wrong?" The teen's voice had lost its normal cheerfulness. "Are you hurt?"

"No, but I might be dead soon." Youji took a deep breath then explained what had happened in a rush. "Now he's hunting me and I-" His voice cut off as pain exploded in his skull and the world went black.

Aya stared down at Youji seething with fury. He absolutely hated to be cold and because of this dumbass he was now drenched to his skin and freezing his ass off. Angrily he snatched up the phone Youji had been using and broke it in half then grabbed one of the stupid blonde's legs and began dragging him back to the car, which was now five miles away. His body trembled violently against the cold, but he managed to make it to their vehicle without collapsing.

He knew it was his own fault Youji had taken off in the first place, Aya didn't respond well to human contact. Never had really. His parents had been cold, indifferent people...except towards his sister, who had been the only light in his life. She was gone now. She had run from him after she'd found out what he had become to keep her alive. Her rejection of him had caused what was left of his heart to shatter. When Youji had kissed him he'd lashed out because he had felt it stir and couldn't handle it. He hated that he felt _anything_ towards the blonde. Most of the time it was anger and annoyance, but lately he had found himself worrying when Youji got hurt or was in danger.

Tonight he'd gone into a blind panic when he'd seen Youji surrounded by their target's thugs. The panic had left him once the men were lying dead at his feet and he had realized two things. The first being that he felt more for Youji than friendly concern. The second was that he had sprained his left ankle when he'd hit the ground. He had decided to ignore it until he got home then Youji had kissed him. Aya scrubbed at his mouth trying to forget how good Youji's lips had felt against his and shoved the unconscious blonde into the backseat.

As he started the jeep they'd rented for the mission he heard a faint ringing sound coming from the glove box. With a sigh of irritation he turned the heat on full blast then wrenched the compartment open and snatched up his satellite phone. "What?" He snarled into the receiver.

"Please tell me you didn't kill him." Omi pleaded. The teen sounded terrified. Aya took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I did not kill Kudou." He said through gritted teeth then hung up on Omi's sigh of relief. After turning the phone off he tossed it on the seat next to him and threw the jeep into gear. As he sped down the dark mountain highway he wondered, not for the first time, if he should leave Weiss. He was in danger of feeling again and he didn't want that. To feel his emotions again would bring back the pain of all he had lost. Aya was more comfortable being a weapon than an actual human being. He had cut himself off from all human emotion for so long that he was terrified of what Youji's kiss had stirred within him.

Youji groaned in pain behind him distracting him from his thoughts. Aya glanced in the rear view mirror. The blonde's emerald eyes were fluttering open. He watched the older man clutch at his head and almost smiled in satisfaction. Kudou's obvious pain pleased him. That should teach the idiot not to mess with him. Aya returned his eyes to the road and ignored the blonde's whimpers of pain. The man was a big baby. He winced as he shifted gears. His ankle was hurting like hell and he could feel how swollen it was getting by how tight his boot felt. He'd probably have to cut the damn piece of footwear off if the swelling got any worse.

Silence returned to the vehicle after a few minutes. Aya glanced into the mirror to find Youji's green eyes on him. The redhead's gaze narrowed then returned to the road. "You didn't kill me." The blonde said quietly. Aya ignored his stating of the obvious and tried to keep the pain he was in from his face. His ankle was throbbing and it took every ounce of willpower he had to not pull over and tell Youji to drive. "I'm sorry I kissed you Aya...I wasn't thinking straight...and I-"

"Shut up Kudou." Aya snapped. He didn't want to hear the man's excuses...or his voice. It had started to do funny things to him over the past year.

"I can't Aya, I need to explain."

"No." The swordsman glared at the older man's reflection. "I don't want to-" He cut off as his ankle gave another painful twinge. He was quickly coming to the conclusion that it may not have been just a sprain.

"You're hurt aren't you?" Youji asked, a touch of anger in his voice. Aya ignored him and focused on driving. "Pull over Aya." Youji touched his shoulder Aya flinched away as white hot pain, from an injury he couldn't remember receiving, made his nerve endings scream. "Pull the fucking car over!" The older man snapped grabbing Aya's shoulder and squeezing. The redhead gasped, slamming on the brakes as his vision dimmed and put the jeep in park. Nausea rolled through him and with the last of his strength he shoved open his door and vomited the pitiful contents of his stomach onto the pavement. He sensed movement near him, but was unable to fight back as arms surrounded him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Youji lifted Aya from the driver's seat. He gasped in shock at how light the younger man was. Aya struggled against him weakly as Youji carried him to the back seat of the jeep. The blonde bit his lip as he laid the smaller man down. He didn't know how badly the swordsman was hurt or if he'd even make it to a hospital. If he remembered correctly there was a hotel near the base of the mountain they were on. Youji jumped behind the wheel and threw the jeep into gear without bothering to buckle his seat belt. It seemed like too much of a hassle and time was short. He had no idea how bad Aya's injuries were, nor how far away the hotel was, and there wasn't near enough light to tend to them properly outdoors.

As he sped down the mountain highway he tried not to panic. Aya had passed out in the twenty minutes that had passed and there was still no sign of the hotel. Youji glanced at the swordsman's still form and prayed to whatever God was out there that the redhead was still alive. It was his fault Aya had been hurt. He'd been distracted throughout the whole mission and he knew his teammate had taken up the slack. Hell, he'd probably killed everyone in the mountain retreat himself.

Lights off to his left made Youji sigh in relief. He'd finally found the hotel. The tires of the jeep spun on the wet pavement as he wrenched the wheel and sped into the parking lot. Instead of the large hotel he'd been expecting Youji found himself staring at a normal looking roadside motel. He left the jeep idling as he ran into the lobby to purchase a room. The woman sitting at the reception desk gave him an odd look, but gave him a key. Youji ran back to the car and drove the short distance to room 8. Luckily it was on the first floor and down at the end.

Aya groaned as Youji pulled him into his arms and carried him inside, but didn't wake. Youji laid him on the bed then ran back out to the car and grabbed the large first aid kit Omi had packed into the trunk. He also snatched up the satellite phone Aya had left on the passenger seat. He set the kit by his friend then dialed Omi's number. He needed to let the kid know he was alive at least. Blood was leaking from Aya's wounded shoulder, but it was sluggish. So Youji knew he had a few more minutes.

"Oh thank god." The teen sighed with obvious relief when he heard Youji's voice. "I was seriously thinking he had killed you and was lying to me."

"No such luck." The older blonde replied then let Omi know what was going on and how the mission had gone. Aya stirred slightly on the bed. "I gotta go chibi. I'll keep in touch."

"You better." Omi replied before hanging up. Youji snapped the phone closed then dropped it on the dresser as he walked to Aya's side.

"How ya doin'?" He asked the now wide awake swordsman brightly, refusing to let how concerned he felt slip through the playboy mask he usually wore.

"Get stuffed." Aya grumbled sitting up. Well _he_ was obviously feeling better.

Aya looked around. He was no longer in the car it seemed. It looked like a motel room. How did he-oh. Memories came back to him and he glared at Youji as he came closer. "Don't give me that glare of yours." The blonde snapped. "You've been hurt and I'm trying to help." Aya frowned. Had he lost his touch? Usually people backed off when he glared. "Can I see your shoulder?" Youji asked.

Aya sighed then pulled off his jacket and shirt. He braced himself for contact. The older man moved closer to look at the small stab wound in the meat of his shoulder-no stitches were needed luckily- then began cleaning it. He bandaged it up with a sigh. "You hurt anywhere else?" Aya debated whether or not to tell Youji about his ankle then nodded and lifted it up. The sooner it got looked at the better, and it really was starting to get painful. He wasn't going to let pride be his downfall.

Youji ended up having to cut his boot off as expected, but it really was just a sprain. After the older man had taken care of it and was assured that Aya had no other injuries he sat back on the bed. "So you want to tell me why you lashed out?" Aya shook his head. It would take too long to explain, not to mention be extremely difficult, in the sense that Aya would have to say what he was feeling. He would rather die.

"I figured you wouldn't tell me, but I had to ask." The blonde sighed, misinterpreting what Aya meant. "Do you wanna know why I kissed you?" Aya's eyes widened slightly as he shook his head again. _Anything_ but that. He didn't want to discuss emotions at all. "So you'd just rather sit here in silence?" Youji asked. Aya nodded, Silence he could do. "You know we're gonna be here all night right?" The swordsman shrugged. It didn't bother him in the slightest to be there until dawn and not talk. Youji sighed again. "This is gonna be a long night." He looked at Aya. "Especially if you don't wanna talk."

"Do you think I care?" Aya asked after a long moment of silence.

"I honestly don't know." Youji exploded. "You really don't seem to care about _anything_." Well that certainly wasn't true, Aya thought. There were a lot of things he cared about. "That's why I kissed you today." He said quietly and Aya was suddenly aware of him leaning closer. "You actually looked concerned for me." Aya's mind screamed that Youji was too close. His heart pounded in his throat as Youji leaned closer. _Danger_ , his mind screamed, causing Aya to scramble back. He needed to get away from Youji or he'd be in danger of feeling again. He didn't want that. _Ever_.

Youji stared at Aya. Was the redhead afraid of him? Seriously? That made no sense. Youji felt like the least dangerous member of their team besides Omi. Only Ken and Aya got the truly difficult missions. He reached out intending to calm Aya down and was shocked when he saw the panic in the other man's eyes as he moved away. "Don't." Aya rasped.

"Don't what?" Youji asked curiously.

"Touch me." Came the whispered reply. Youji's brows raised. He was suddenly pissed.

"Oh?" He frowned. "And why not?"

"It's not safe."

"For who?" Youji scoffed.

"Me." Aya said so quietly Youji almost didn't hear him.

"Why?" He asked in hushed tones. Aya looked up at him and for a long time he was silent. Just when Youji was about to give up on an answer the smaller man spoke.

"I don't want to feel."

"Feel what?" Youji snapped, thinking the swordsman was repulsed by him.

" _Anything_." Aya's reply took the wind from his sails. Youji's anger melted away with the quiet admission. Without thinking he threw his arms around the other man's neck. He didn't realize his mistake until Aya pushed at him weakly. Part of him didn't care, he liked feeling the younger man in his arms, but he sat back relinquishing his hold. Aya sat there watching him warily.

"You know that's impossible, right?" He asked, trying to lighten the mood. "Not feeling anything?"

"I have managed it before." Aya said stiffly.

"That's just sad." Youji shook his head. To not feel anything would suck. Sure you wouldn't get hurt emotionally, but you wouldn't feel all the happy emotions either. No wonder Aya was so robotic.

"Why?"' Aya cocked his head.

"You can't be happy." Youji replied, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. His response was a derisive snort.

"I gave up on _that_ a long time ago."

Aya watched Youji's eyes widen and was surprised when the other man burst into tears. A distant part of him wanted to comfort Youji, but he no longer knew how. He knew how to be a weapon; the knowledge of which didn't lend itself to the situation. Weapons didn't have feelings therefore lacked the functions to deal with them.

He really didn't know why Youji was so upset. Discarding his emotions had kept him alive. If he allowed them to come back...no. He shook his head refusing to finish that thought. Nothing good would come of it. Feelings were bad. He had learned that already...in another lifetime it seemed.

Youji looked up at him through watery green eyes. "That isn't true, is it?" He sniffed. "You haven't _really_ given up on being happy, have you?"

"Why does that upset you?" Aya cocked his head. The other man just stared at him.

"You really don't know anything about feelings, do you?"

"Not so much, no. I probably did at one point, but..." The swordsman shrugged his good shoulder as he trailed off. What good were feelings anyway? It wasn't like he needed them.

"I'll explain then." Youji sat up with a sigh. "I care about you. _A lot_ , which means that it hurts me to hear you say those things."

"Why?"

"When you care about someone; it hurts you if they're unhappy or in pain."

"What if they aren't in pain and you just think they are?" Aya countered.

"You might not _think_ you're in pain, but it's there." Youji replied pointing at Aya's chest. "Just because you push it away doesn't mean it's gone." He sighed seeing his friend's confusion. "Emotional pain is insidious. It doesn't matter how much you ignore it. It will keep coming back unless you deal with it." His brows furrowed as he frowned. "For example. I blamed myself for Asuka's death for so long that time so every time I thought of her; it hurt. It wasn't until I faced certain facts that I was able to let that pain go." He stared into Aya's violet eyes as if searching for comprehension that he apparently didn't see because Aya didn't quite yet get it much more than the words. Youji's _point_ was a bit more elusive. "I give up." The blonde sighed then stood and walked to the other bed.

"I do understand that you are trying." Aya said quietly. "And I _think_ I understand what you are saying." Youji turned to look at him. The redhead was staring determinedly at the blanket. "You think I should face up to what I have been pushing away." Aya saw the surprise on Youji's face and shrugged. "I'm not stupid Kudou. I understand you, it might take more than a few seconds to get the concept being explained, but I'll get there. Now what you need to understand is why I discarded emotions in the first place." The swordsman got to his feet and sat on the edge of the bed Youji was on.

"I have a multitude of reasons. I won't share them all because you're so hot headed that you will just think I'm being ridiculous, which you probably think anyway." Aya sighed. "To survive in this world there are things that you need and things that just get in the way. I kept most of the morals that my parents taught me when I took the path of revenge, but it took me a while to figure out what was holding me back. My emotions kept taking me to a place I didn't want to go. That's when I figured that I didn't need them." Youji opened his mouth to argue. Aya just shook his head and continued.

"I didn't want to be held back anymore so I thought I'd throw them away, but you're right about them being insidious." He let out a little sigh. "Not feeling has helped me survive." He covered Youji's mouth with a cold hand to stop him from arguing. "I mean in the sense of being able to _function_ in my chosen profession. Not society." The redhead added. "When you kissed me I felt those emotions start to stir and I will admit that scared me a little." Youji's eyes widened. The swordsman's hand tightened when the blonde tried to speak. "I lashed out because I didn't want to feel _anything_." Youji moved Aya's hand away. The younger man refused to meet his gaze.

"I can't pretend to understand why you thought life would be easier without emotions. I can only tell you what I've learned over the years." He smiled softly as Aya looked up. "Emotions can hurt, but you can choose to move on and not let that pain hold you back." He took Aya's face in his hands. "You can let yourself feel."

"No." The smaller man shook his head and moved away.

"Why not?"

"Some doors can't be closed once you open them." Aya replied looking down at his hands. "I have them contained now." He stood and limped to the window. "What happens if I let them out and can't put them away again?" Youji stood and moved to stand behind the redhead.

"What's wrong with letting them go?" He whispered.

"That isn't the part that worries me." Aya turned to face him. His eyes were distant. "There's a lot that could go wrong." He sighed then moved his eyes to focus on Youji's face. "I could have killed you today and I was just trying to keep a lid on it." The blonde winced remembering his friend's rage then another thought occurred to him.

"Wasn't it a surprise though?" He asked. "What would happen if you were expecting it?" Aya shrugged. Youji took Aya gently by the chin. "I'm going to kiss you right now." The blonde murmured leaning in. "I don't feel like fighting it anymore."

Aya stared at Youji warily. His mind was screaming at him to move, but the other man's fingers on his chin felt so warm and he couldn't bring himself to move away. Then Youji's lips were on his and his heart was thumping loudly in his chest. He felt a faint stirring in his mind then Youji's hands were on him pulling him closer. Something in him felt paralyzed.

When the first emotion hit him he gasped and was finally able to push Youji away, getting to his feet awkwardly. He doubled over as the pain of emotion turned physical. He gasped for air. "Are you okay?" The blonde asked with a concerned note in his voice. Aya couldn't respond. He fell to his knees and tried to force himself to breathe normally. Youji's hand on his back made his heart stop. He had been about to tell the blonde he was fine, but that hand on his back brought memories he had buried to the surface. Memories he didn't ever want to associate with Youji. So he did the first thing that came to mind. He forced himself to straighten, pull away and tell Youji the lie he had been telling himself for years.

"I'm fine." He couldn't look Youji in the eye and was turned away; so he didn't see the hug coming. When the blonde's warm arms surrounded him from behind he was surprised and barely kept himself from lashing out.

"I'm sorry." The other man was sobbing.

"Why?" Aya heard his voice crack. He ignored it and his mind telling him to run. He turned so that he was facing Youji. The other man's tear stained face greeted him.

"I knew it was wrong but I forced you to." He broke down and slid to the floor where he started crying into his knees. Aya took a moment to regain his composure then looked at Youji. The older man was still on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Kudou." The redhead said sternly. It took a few minutes for Youji to stop crying, but eventually he did, sniffing as he looked up with watery eyes. "You did nothing that can't be taken back. You're crying like you did something horrible. You didn't." He took a deep breath and sighed. "Some stuff just came up. Yes I was scared. I won't deny that, but I wasn't scared of _you_." He looked down at the older man then sat down next to him. Youji still looked like someone had kicked his puppy. "Before I joined Weiss there was a man who had been a friend of my father. He had been helping me out with my sister's bills and things. Unfortunately he didn't do it out of the kindness of his own heart. There were things he wanted." Aya took a deep breath to steady himself. "Things that only I could give him."

"Aya." Youji breathed catching on.

"It wasn't my proudest moment." The redhead shrugged. "It was then that I began to push everything away. I just did what I had to for my own survival and my sister's." He flinched as Youji grabbed his hand. "That's why I don't want to feel anything because I know that I would be crippled by both the memories of what I had to do and from her taking off. She doesn't know everything I've done to keep her alive-there were a lot of lines I had to cross. Her knowing what I do now is enough. I would prefer she think of me just as a murderer not-" He cut off with a shudder and shook his head. "You won't tell her either." He glared at Youji. "The only reason I'm bringing it up _at all_ is to stop you from blaming yourself for my little melt down earlier."

 _"Little?"_ Youji raised an eyebrow. "I feared for my life."

"You wouldn't be here if I had lost control." Aya snapped. "So yes, it was minor." He tried to take his hand from the blonde's grip and gasped as he was pulled into a hug.

"I won't say anything to your sister."

"Because I'll kill you." Aya muttered into his chest.

"Yes, because you'd kill me." The older man sounded amused, which was made clear by his laugh. Aya pulled away and leveled a glare at his friend.

"You are making fun of me." He accused. "I'm being serious." Youji tried to hide his smile.

"I know you are. I also know that you aren't as heartless as you pretend to be."

"Says who?" Aya frowned.

"No one." Youji replied. "It's just something I've discovered."

"Well don't tell anyone." Aya growled. His fear of the other man being so close melted away for the moment. "You wouldn't want to ruin my reputation." A smile tugged at his lips. "Omi thinks I want to kill you."

"Do you?" Youji asked. "Want to kill me that is."

"Sometimes." Aya shrugged. "You can be rather annoying."

"Ouch." Youji laughed rubbing his chest. Aya stood and went back to his bed.

"Earlier I did." He sighed as he sat down. " Right now I think we should both sleep."

"So I should tell Omi not to worry?"

"Sure." Aya laid down and ignored the other man's conversation with Omi.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

It took a few weeks for Aya's injuries to heal and another month for the opportunity to present itself-with Aya being his normal icy self the whole time. Omi and Ken were on a mission in Europe. Youji knew he had a death wish and help was far away. He was just so confused.

After that night in the motel nothing about Aya's behavior changed. He was still as cold and distant as before. It was unnerving and Youji was determined to get to the bottom of it. He cornered Aya in the kitchen as soon as they closed the shop. He put his arms against the counter on either side of the redhead. The other man's back was to him.

"Why does it still feel like you're keeping me at arms length?" He hissed. Aya turned towards him calmly.

"Probably because I am." He replied. "One night of confession does not signify that I have changed my mind and suddenly want what you do."

"You do realize what cutting yourself of from people is doing to you, right?"

"No, but I'm sure you're about to enlighten me." Aya rolled his eyes and folded his arms. Youji was gonna kill him. He grabbed the smaller man by the front of his shirt "Well someone has to tell you that you're basically just killing yourself." Youji growled. The other man's face remained impassive. "Your heart is dying. It can't take much more before it dies and-" Aya shoved him away.

"What makes you think I care?" The redhead snarled. "It hasn't done me much good anyway." Youji stared at him, all his arguments flying out of his head. What good was a having a heart? He let go of the other man's shirt. Did Aya seriously not know?

"Something made you choose a life of punishing bad men."

"That doesn't answer my question and having a heart has nothing to do with the life I lead."

"I'm referring to the nature of our job." Youji replied. "You don't get into it without a reason and your heart helps you figure it out."

"The heart is nothing but a muscle." Aya shook his head. "The desire for revenge and not wishing to prostitute myself to a man I hated any longer made me choose this life. It was a decision my head made, not my heart." The swordsman brought his violet eyes up to meet Youji's. "So I ask you again. What good is a heart, not the organ I'm not a fool. What I mean are feelings. What good are they?"

"Without them you're just a robot."

"There's nothing wrong with that." Aya shrugged. Youji stared at him in shock. Nothing wrong with being a-

"Is that what you want? To be a robot? An emotionless synthetic piece of sentient machinery?"

"How much different is it from being a weapon?"

"A _what_?" Youji was once again befuddled by the ideas Aya had about himself.

"You still haven't answered my first question and I think I've said all I'm going to until you do." The swordsman turned back around. He resumed the task of preparing dinner, which sent Youji into a cold sweat. Aya had access to a knife when the blonde had cornered him. Christ did he have a death wish. The thought momentarily distracted him from remembering what Aya had asked. It took him a few long minutes to figure it out and when he did; he was filled with sorrow. What good was a heart; was what Aya had hissed in anger. Youji struggled to come up with a suitable answer, but he was drawing a blank.

"Without the...emotions...that come from the heart...how can you decide what's right and wrong?"

"One could argue that emotions both come from the head and can actually blind a person's sense of right and wrong, besides _society_ designates which lines we should and should not cross. Try again."

"Emotions help you relate to people."

"And if you'd rather not relate?"

"Fine." Youji snapped. "Do you want me to just fuck off then?"

"Kudou, _you_ are the one who wants _me_ to feel emotions or whatever." Aya spat over his shoulder then turned to face the blonde once again, arms folded. "If you want me to do that then you need to explain the benefit to me."

"Don't you want more out of this life then the small part you're experiencing right now?" The blonde exploded. He was sick of the narrow world view Aya had. There was so much out there.

"Experiencing what the world has to offer is what put me on this path to begin with." Aya replied calmly. "I close myself off because it is the safest option I have."

"Safest for who?"

"For everyone really." Aya looked at him, his eyes were like ice. "Do you want to know what would happen if I let my control slip for even a few seconds?"

"What? You would kill us?" Youji shook his head. "Now you're just making up excuses."

"I don't make shit up." Aya said coldly and Youji knew he should have kept his mouth shut as he felt his back slam into the wall next to them. "I _know_ I would kill all three of you because each and every one of you has pissed me off to the brink of snapping _-you_ more than the others by the way-then I'd kill any team that Kritiker sent in to deal with me." The redhead hissed. He had Youji by the arms with the taller man's back to the pitted kitchen wall. The anger sparking in his amethyst eyes had Youji paralyzed. The stupid part of him wanted to point out that anger was an emotion, but luckily his survival instincts were stronger, "What I have up here." He let go of Youji with one hand to tap his temple with a finger. "Let's just leave it at its a good thing I refuse to let it effect me." He let go of Youji and turned away whispering, "Nothing good would come of it."

"What makes you say that?" Youji asked. He wanted to understand the swordsman better. He had a feeling that if he did they might have a chance together. That was something he wanted more than anything, just a chance.

"I haven't had the most...uneventful of lives." Aya shrugged. "There would be a lot of shit to get through before finding _anything_ even remotely uplifting."

"Carrying all that crap around has to be heavy; not to mention unhealthy." Youji smiled as the smaller man snorted in amusement. "Everyone has their own baggage. I get that, but _together_ we can be stronger." He chuckled. "That can be proven with physics." Aya turned towards him with a frown.

"Why do you care?"

"I thought I explained this back at the motel."

"Friendship I get. _You_ want something more." He sighed as Youji looked away guiltily. "If you want something more than the that just say so. It doesn't bother me if _you_ feel things or desire me in that regard." He forced Youji to look at him. "I'm not disgusted or angry. I just am having difficulty with understanding. I get the lust bit, but I also know I'm not the most likable of individuals."

"I can't explain _why_ I feel what I do _."_ Youji whispered. "All I want is a chance."

"A chance for what?" Aya cocked his head,

"A chance to show you that you aren't as alone as you think."

Aya's eyes widened. Not- He let go of Youji's face and stumbled back, grabbing the counter , now at his side, with one hand to steady himself. Youji reached out. "Aya." The redhead tried not to flinch as the older man's arms wrapped around him, pulling his resisting form into a muscled torso. He wasn't completely successful, but he managed to keep the full body flinch to a minor twitch. Youji wasn't fooled in the slightest. The blonde sighed. "You're going to have to get used to hugs, you know."

"Who says?" Aya muttered darkly into the other man's chest. A part of him wanted to reciprocate Youji's feelings, but, just like comforting another human being, he no longer knew how. Sure he had an idea, however knowledge of and putting things into practice were different. He had no real experience to aid him.

"Um every teenage girl in the world." Youji's chest rumbled as he laughed. "They're very affectionate you know-so am I for a matter of fact. Plus it's just going to keep bugging you if you don't at least try to get used to them." Aya hesitantly wrapped his arms around the older man.

"This is stupid." He complained quietly. He barely remembered receiving hugs so he wasn't all that sure he was doing it correctly or why he even cared. For some reason it was important for him to show Youji that he was trying.

"How long has it been since you've given someone a hug?"

"It's been a while." Aya shrugged then stepped back. Youji being such close proximity to him was doing weird things to his brain. Until he could figure it out he'd try to keep the blonde at arms length. He hoped these hugs Youji liked to give were just a passing phase and not- His brain promptly shut down as Youji's lips found his.

Warm arms wrapped around him making him tense. He didn't like not having an escape. He also didn't like the memories that were surfacing. He could almost _feel_ that man's hands on him. It made him sick. Sick and paralyzed with fear. A tongue on his lips woke him up. "I can't." Aya shoved the older man away and fell to his knees. "Its not you." He whispered. "I just..." He trailed off not knowing what to say.

"What's wrong?" Youji asked, sitting down in front of him. Aya shook his head. He had no idea what was _wrong_ with him. He just knew he didn't want to feel those hands on him anymore. His breath hitched, but he kept himself from screaming...barely. Youji grabbed his face and forced him to look up. "Breathe Aya." Had he stopped? Aya stared into the taller man's green eyes and inhaled shakily.

Youji was on the verge of freaking out. He knew Aya was having a panic attack. He'd seen others before and knew the signs. It was the only thing keeping his own mind from panicking itself. Plus the swordsman was finally calming down and he wasn't so sure he wanted to stick around when Aya finally recovered. The fear in those impossibly young eyes was Youji's fault and there was a sharp blade nearby. He was about to get up and leave, but Aya grabbed his arm. "You weren't listening." The redhead murmured, words slightly slurred.

"I heard what you said." Youji sighed, sitting back down. "I disagree with you though. It should be obvious that you don't like me _or_ my touch-" Aya's cool hand covered his mouth.

"Stop. I just said its not you and I meant it." The redhead sighed and looked away. "It isn't about not liking you. I just..." He trailed off with a shudder. Youji pushed away his hand and pulled the younger man to him. There was something in Aya's eyes that went straight to his heart. He just wanted to hold on and never let go. Aya rested his forehead against the older man's chest. "I need you to know that it isn't _you_ I'm afraid of." He said after a while and met Youji's gaze with a reluctance that was hard to miss. "I could never be afraid of you." Aya whispered. "It has been a long time since someone wanted..." He looked away again. "The last time someone wanted me in that way was not very pleasant." Aya took a deep breath that was a touch shaky. "I keep remembering his hands. I can still feel them...all over." His voice was barely a whisper then he cleared his throat and shook his head. Youji watched him stand, feeling words clog in his throat. Aya was holding back so much pain and, for, once the blonde didn't have anything to say.

Aya's struggles made Youji want to find the swordsman's sister and knock some sense into her. He swore to himself that he would at least try. He wouldn't hit her or anything, but he at least needed to find and talk to her; for her brother's sake. The man in front of him was half dead and no one seemed to notice. With his mind made up he turned and left the kitchen to begin the dreaded task.

Aya knew Youji was up to something, The blonde had left without uttering a word, which wasn't like him at all. That meant whatever he was planning wasn't anything good. He put the dinner making supplies away then went to his room, no longer in the mood to eat. He closed the door behind him before changing from the jeans and orange turtleneck he often wore to a plain t-shirt and flannel pants.

Once comfortable; he walked to the window and stared out. He nudged Youji's plotting from his mind with difficulty. The man was probably planning some nefarious scheme that would inevitably involve Aya. Unfortunately there was no way to know what it was without asking and right now he needed to figure out what the older man meant to him.

He knew _some_ of what Youji wanted from him. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out. However, it was the other stuff Aya was having trouble digesting. He had known Youji got concerned for his friends' welfare. The other man could surprise people with how deep it went at times or with his intelligence. Smart and caring were sides of himself the blonde kept hidden through a carefully constructed mask of flippant and fun-loving playboy, resulting in being frequently underestimated. Aya understood masks. He himself wore so many and not all of them were to fool others.

Aya concluded that once he could get past these pesky emotions and bad memories that were cropping up; he could give Youji what he wanted. Well _part_ of what he wanted at least. Aya couldn't give the blonde much more than his body. The rest of it was a relationship that was more than what they had now. More than friendship as well.

What _Aya_ desired was unclear, even to himself. He knew that Youji was important to his life. Just how much was uncertain and to figure it out; he would have to open a door he much rather keep shut. The swordsman didn't understand emotions that well and considered life easier without them. If he could just keep the others at arms length,Youji included, he was safe. Safe from feeling what he knew was lurking under the surface. He was a predator at heart and hunting criminals was the best way to satisfy the beast in him without crossing certain lines.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Finding Aya's sister was easy. Approaching her and knowing what to say was the difficult part. Youji had her number and address as well as her school info. It took him a week to summon up the courage to call and ask if they could meet for coffee. To his surprise she agreed. They set a date to meet and his nervousness grew as it approached.

He knew Aya would be pissed if he knew what Youji was about to do. The swordsman already knew _something_ was up, just not what. The blonde could tell because his friend seemed more wary around him than normal. The fact that he hadn't slit Youji's throat yet told the older man that Aya didn't know _exactly_ what he was up to.

"Good afternoon." He looked up to see Aya-chan standing near him uneasily. He shook thoughts of her brother from his mind, which was easy since they looked nothing alike, and smiled.

"Have a seat." He offered gesturing at the chair across from him. They were at a cafe near her school to make her commute a little easier since she was staying in the dorms. He

watched her sit down and wondered how much she knew about her brother's new-ish life.

"So what did you need to talk about?" She asked, getting right to the point. A trait she shared in common with her brother. "If its about Ran, you know him better than I do right now." For a moment he didn't know who she was talking about.

"I don't think _anyone_ knows your brother." Youji laughed. "He would probably kill me if he knew I was meddling in his life."

"Isn't that what you guys do?" She frowned. "Kill people?"

"I suppose." Youji stroked his chin then leaned closer so he could whisper. "How much do you know about what we do?" Aya-chan leaned in closer as well.

"I know that you're paid to kill people." She whispered. "Ran said that was how he had been paying for my bills."

"We _are_ paid to kill people." Youji conceded. " _Bad_ people." Her brother might not have made the distinction to her. It was evident by her confused expression. "These people that we kill are criminals that are rich or powerful enough to get away with their crimes and commit as many as they like."

"What do you mean?" She asked, her brow furrowing.

"Just last week we did a job on a guy. Sick fuck was a pedophile who raped and murdered children. He was going to get away with it too because he was buying people off. _That's_ the kind of people we go after." Youji said as she gasped. "It isn't just anyone. We get evidence of their crimes first and we _only_ go after criminals.

"He never told me." She said breathlessly.

"I'm guessing he didn't tell you a lot." Youji sighed knowing how his friend operated. Aya-chan shook her head. "Not surprising, but it has me worried. Especially lately."

"Why?"

"There is a lot that he keeps locked up in that head of his."

"He's always brushed stuff off instead of dealt with it." She replied with a shrug.

"So he was cold and distant before?"

"Not with me. He _used_ to tell me everything." She sighed. "I guess I deserve him not talking to me now. I wasn't very understanding about his job, but _killing_ people just doesn't seem right to me. Even if it was to pay my bills."

"He told me a few weeks ago that its better than what he did right after you first got hurt."

"What did he do before?"

"I'm really not sure, but I'm worried." Youji wondered if he should tell her what he had learned.

"What are you worried about?"

"Yes, Kudou, what _are_ you worried about?" The familiar, cold voice had Youji cringing. He slowly looked up to find Aya standing there. His violet eyes were blazing in a way the blonde hadn't seen before.

"Ran!" The teen across from him gasped then she stood and put her hands on her hips. "You didn't tell me everything." She accused.

"No and neither will he." The swordsman grabbed Youji's arm and forced him to stand. The three of them were outside and headed to the parking lot in the time it took Youji to blink and realize just how much trouble he was in. He opened his mouth to try and diffuse the situation, "Don't. Say. A. Word." Aya hissed. Youji had never seen him so pissed. "I _knew_ you were up to something."

"Ran." His sister whined, drawing out his name like only a sibling could. Aya threw Youji behind the wheel of his jalopy. "You shouldn't be upset with him." She put herself between the two men. "Youji obviously cares about you a lot. He was just trying to be a good friend by explaining the things you won't so that I understand." She threw her arms around Aya's neck. She was braver than the blonde. You couldn't _pay_ him to get anywhere near the man at that moment. "I'm sorry!" She started to cry. "I said some horrible things." Aya tensed then moved away. Youji frowned at him then pulled himself out of his car to comfort to the now sobbing girl. He put his arms around her. "Please don't h-hate me!" She cried into Youji's shirt, but the plea was directed at her brother.

"I don't." Aya said calmly. "I never have."

"Then why are you staying away?" She stopped crying and let go of Youji so she could look at her brother.

"You told me to." He replied with a shrug.

"And you _listened_?" She asked with a raised brow. He shrugged again. "Don't just shrug your shoulders at me." She snapped, putting her fists on her hips. "I said a lot out of anger and confusion. I didn't _mean_ any of it." Youji decided to speak up. He didn't want to invite Aya's ire, but it was now obvious to him what had happened.

"You have to be forthright and say exactly what you mean around A-Ran." He corrected himself. The swordsman's eyes narrowed at him. "I don't know how your brother was growing up, but right now he takes what you say at face value and doesn't-"

" _He's_ also right here." Aya cut him off. "I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut." He took a step towards Youji. Before the blonde could react Aya-chan was between them again and getting in her brother's face.

"Don't get mad at him." She snapped. "He happens to be the _only_ person who will explain my own _brother_ to me." Youji admired her spunk. She was, most likely, the only individual who could get the redhead to back down. "You're different than before. Almost like a different person." She frowned when he shrugged again. "How do you get a more verbal response?" She turned to Youji expectantly.

"I honestly have no idea." He replied.

Aya stared at them and wondered, not for the first time, why he was even bothered. Why should it matter if Youji was talking to his sister? The man had cleared up a misunderstanding between the siblings so it was a good thing right? He sighed as they discussed how to get him to talk. The problem, he decided, was with them discussing his _personal_ tragedies rather then how he'd changed. The question was whether to tell them or not and how.

He was thinking about it when he noticed them both looking at him expectantly. His sister had _that_ look on her face. Like she wanted to smack him upside the head. Her hand came up and he moved his face slightly so that she hit only air. Youji snorted as she tried to smack him again.

"Did you even hear a word I said?" She growled.

"Were you calling me names and complaining about my attitude?" He asked making Youji laugh harder. She wrinkled her nose.

"Maybe." She sighed as Youji hooted out a laugh.

"Can I kill him now?" Aya glared at the blonde. His laughter cut off in a gulp of fear. Aya's sister sighed again then shook her head.

"You're impossible."

"Could be." He muttered under his breath. She was acting as if no time had passed.

"I can't hear you when you mumble." She said making him look at her sharply. It was something his mother had said to him a lot to get him to speak up. He hadn't heard it for a long time. He sucked in a breath to retort when a wave of pain that was almost physical hit him and was only through sheer force of will was he able to keep any of it from his face. The last thing he wanted was to have a panic attack in front of his sister.

"She's right you know?" Youji snorted. Aya took a deep breath and tried to calm his racing heart then his sister had to finish it.

"I'm not a mind reader." Her fists were on her hips. She looked just like their mother. A second wave hit him and it almost brought him to his knees. Dimly he was aware of her going off on him, but he could no longer hear her. He was having a hard time breathing and he felt as though he were drowning, just barely managing to stay on his feet. Suddenly Youji's hands were on his face and the blonde was calmly telling him to breathe. What did the asshole think he was _trying_ to do? Stand on his head? "What's wrong?" He heard his sister ask.

"He's having a panic attack." Youji replied shortly. "And here I thought it was just me." The world was swimming in and out of focus.

"Not...that...special." Aya managed to gasp out, clutching at Youji's arms. He felt the world drift away again.

"What do I do?" Aya-chan asked. Everything snapped back and he found himself bent over with Youji's hands on him.

"I'm fine." He said straightening.

"No...you're not." Youji replied, looking at him with concern. "You didn't have these attacks until I kissed you. A-so you can understand why I'm worried?"

"I'm fine." Aya repeated.

"Sure." The older man rolled his eyes, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "You're a robot. You can't feel anything I forgot." Aya glared at him. "I'm not falling for that anymore." The blonde shook his head. "Glare at me all you want, but it doesn't change anything."

"Is remembering her really that hard for you?" Aya-chan asked. He froze. "Memories of how it used to be or imagining what they'd say is all I have right now since my brother is being so obtuse. Thinking of our parents is the only way I can get through the day." Memories...he shook his head and clutched at Youji's arm again as the world tilted. Physical pain he could handle, but the emotions rushing in on the tides of memory were threatening to overwhelm him. "I loved them too you know? I lost them the same as you." She was crying again. He had to bite his lip to keep himself from telling her what they were like before she had been born...or when she wasn't around. It didn't seem right. Besides. It wasn't as though they were abusive or anything. They just weren't always the warm, loving parents _she_ remembered.

Her arms went around his waist, roughly bringing him back to the present. "Can't you hold me like you used to?" She mumbled into his shirt. He stared down at the top of her head, brow furrowing as he frowned. He heard a noise and glanced over at Youji. The blonde had tears running down his face as well and he motioned for Aya to put his arms around his sister.

The redhead rolled his eyes-he knew what to do-then did so. As soon as his arms closed around her shoulders he could remember the frequency with which he had performed the act in the past. Oddly enough; the memories didn't hurt. He heard her sigh then she snuggled into his chest. "Yep, just like that." She murmured, voice muffled by his shirt. "I missed you." She said quietly. "I never know if you're okay and I worry."

"Why?" He asked. Youji put his face in his hands.

"Because I love you, duh." She snapped, stepping back. He gave her an odd look, but kept his mouth shut. He _did_ understand. Just being around her brought back a lot of things he had forgotten. Like what he had done for her out of love; not to mention what he had been taught growing up. It was almost a part of him again and _would_ be if he let it. He pushed the returning emotions away, but kept the understanding. There was no room in his life for emotion. Could he fake it? His eyes slid to Youji. The memory of what happened every time the man kissed him gave him his answer.

No. He wouldn't try to fake it. A long forgotten instinct told him it would be wrong. Youji wanted more then just sex. He wanted an emotional attachment that, while Aya might be able to fake it if he tried, would not be the best plan. They would _both_ get hurt in the end. He might not fully understand why he knew that, but it was true. Aya blamed his sister for stirring up the knowledge. She was an easy target _and_ the source of his returning emotions. He could feel them just under the surface, straining to break free. They were unwelcome, though, and would have a fight on their hands.

He glanced over at his sister, who was now exchanging cell info with Youji. A small part of him said to just go with it. What harm could loving them do? He had a lot to think about. The swordsman spun on his heel and was about to walk away when his sister put her arms around his waist. One hand still held her cell phone.

"You aren't going to leave without saying goodbye are you?" She asked, her voice muffled by his coat. "When will I see you again?"

"You want to?"

"Of course." She let go and he turned to see that once again she had her hands on her hips. "That's what you do when you care about someone." She sounded like she was explaining something to a child, which was, more than slightly, annoying. He might not understand _everything_ about maintaining a relationship, but he wasn't a kid. He inhaled deeply, trying to keep his cool as she went on. Youji was laughing in the background. Aya pinched the bridge of his nose then snapped.

"I'm not an idiot." He growled, cutting her off mid-rant. She fell silent with a pout on her lips. "The last time I saw you, you made it quite clear that my presence was unwelcome."

" _Last_ time you saw me was just after explaining that you _kill_ people for a living." She hissed. "I had just woken up so I was confused and said _a lot_ of things I didn't mean." Her face softened. "You're my brother and I love you." Aya desperately hoped he wasn't supposed to say it back. A part of him cared what happened to her, but to say it was _love_ , Aya just didn't know anymore. He wasn't the same person she grew up with and even though he could _kind of_ remember what he felt for her in the past; it was different now. _He_ was different.

He shook it off. There would be time to think it all through later. He was about to say so when a group of boys wearing uniforms of the same school his sister went to walked up. "I thought older guys creeped you out." One of them said in a nasal tone. The way he spoke and the way he was looking at Aya-chan pissed Aya off.

"No I said _you_ creep me out, Shino." His sister snapped. "Besides this is my _brother_ you half-wit." The other teen's face clouded with anger and he took a step towards her.

"Not a good idea." Youji chuckled looking over at Aya. "It would be in you kid's best interest to just walk away."

"What'd you say old man?" Shino folded his arms. Aya shook his head inwardly, slightly in awe of the kid's youthful arrogance.

"Old man?" Youji frowned. Aya barely looked at the group of teens. A cloud of violence hung in the air, but he was determined to keep things from going too far. Apparently Shino had other ideas.

"Yeah." He sneered at Youji. "Old man." The thought of this kid standing a chance against an assassin like Youji made the redhead smile. "What the fuck d'ya think is so funny?" Aya glanced at the kid knowing that it was only the thought that there was safety in numbers making him so brave.

"Keep walking." He said quietly, not really wanting things to go further.

"Or what?" Shino said boldly. "The stick figure and old man are going to _make_ us?" He scoffed. Aya pinched the bridge of his nose as his sister started laughing. The situation was deteriorating quickly. "We could take on your skinny ass _and_ the hippy. We ain't afraid." His sister laughed even harder as the other boys nodded, rubbing their fists.

"You guys couldn't take on a fly." Aya-chan snorted. Aya closed his eyes. She really wasn't helping. Youji was pouting, which wasn't going to help resolve anything, and the teenage boys were grumbling angrily not liking how his sister was insulting them. "You kids run along now." She giggled. That did it for the boys. Aya sighed as they rushed her and stepped in. Within seconds all five were on the ground clutching various body parts and crying.

"You like a ninja or something?" Shino howled, hands covering a busted nose. "You don't fight fair!"

"Or something." Aya replied noncommittally as Youji started laughing. He glared at the blonde and turned to his sister. "Happy now?

"You _do_ care!" She exclaimed and threw her arms around his neck while Youji laughed harder. Aya sighed and allowed her to hug him excitedly. The boys were able to run away. The swordsman had refrained from breaking any of their bones.

"Just a fighter's instinct." He shrugged.

"I don't care what you say." She replied. "I know you still love me."

"Oh so that was a test?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Duh." She giggled. "You passed, by the way, with _flying_ colors."

"I did huh?" He disentangled her arms and looked over at Youji, who was bent over he was laughing so hard. "Hey, old man, you done?" He quipped. The blonde immediately stopped laughing and looked at him.

"Did you just make a joke?"

"Is the world ending?"

"It must be because that was another one." Youji replied, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Well you _obviously_ don't know my brother as well as you thought." Aya-chan laughed. "This is actually normal." She gestured at the redhead with her thumb.

Youji stared at his friend in disbelief. Sarcasm? From Aya? Not surprising, but humor was. It was as if he had never met the man in front of him. "Aya?"

"Hmm?" Aya-chan cocked her head and Youji cursed. He forgot that _his_ Aya was using an alias. This was confusing. The redhead looked at him impassively. Of course _he_ wouldn't be any help. Was it really too much to expect some kind of explanation from the man?

"Bastard." The blonde muttered. Aya-chan looked extremely confused. Aya snorted. He actually smiled as he began to turn away. Youji glared at the man's back as he walked away. "I'm gonna kill him." Youji growled.

"Ran, your number!" The teen ran after her brother. Youji muttered some choice words under his breath and walked to his car. A few minutes after he got home; Aya entered the apartment. Youji had flopped on the couch to complain to Omi and closed his mouth to glare at the swordsman. The only response he got was another one of those small smiles as Aya walked past to go up the stairs to his room.

"Aya!" Omi called to him. Aya paused on the stairs,

"You guys might as well use my real name." He sighed.

"Ran then." Omi beamed like he'd just received a present.

"What do you need?" The redhead turned.

"I just wanted to let you and Youji know that Ken and I are going to Osaka for reconnaissance on a target." The blonde teen replied. "We'll be gone for a few weeks and we're going to be leaving in the morning."

"Okay."

"I would have told you sooner, but Manx just brought us the mission a few hours ago."

"I'm not your mother." Ran disappeared as all three assassins gaped after him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Ran shut his door and went to lie on his bed with a sigh. On his drive home he had decided to discard his sister's name. To keep using it would be both meaningless and vexing. Kudou's earlier confusion had been amusing, but had illuminated the problem with keeping his sister's name. The reason he had chosen to use it as his own disappeared with her recovery from the coma; so she could have it back now.

A couple days later Youji cornered him in the storage room after closing the flower shop. The blonde put his hands on the shelf behind Ran on either side of his head. "What are you up to _this_ time?" He asked the blonde, raising an eyebrow.

"Something's different about you." Youji wrinkled his nose. "Something I _like_ , but still different. There's no denying _that_." He leaned closer. "I'm just trying to figure it out."

"Good luck with that." Ran patted him on the chest then ducked under the blonde's arm and went to his room. He didn't really appreciate Youji's attempts at trapping him. Somehow he would have to dissuade the blonde without hurting him, at least until he could figure some shit out. Like his feelings. There was a big part of him that wanted nothing to do with them, but it was becoming harder and harder to push them away.

A knock at his door brought him out of his head. He was about to tell Youji to go away when the other man walked in. A few seconds later he had Ran pinned to the wall and was kissing the him passionately. " _You_ are driving me crazy." Kudou growled as he pulled away. "You know that right?" Panic was rising quickly from the feeling of being held against a hard surface with no escape in the press of bodies. He pushed Youji back a few steps.

"I don't care." The redhead hissed, attempting to remain calm. It was easier now that he wasn't trapped. "If you don't want to get hurt, I would suggest not doing that again." Ran folded his arms and glared. Words would have to work for now since he had decided he didn't want to hurt his friend.

"Sorry." Youji mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. His green eyes were full of shame as he looked at Ran. "I scared you."

"It wasn't you." Ran replied honestly. "It was being trapped." He moved forward and grasped Youji's chin when the man tried to look away. "Just be patient. I'm trying to get a few things figured out." Green eyes flickered to meet his. There was confusion there so he continued. "Reuniting with my sister cleared up a lot of stuff in my head." He let go of Youji's chin and walked to the window. Expressing himself was not easy. "I'm just not sure if I _want_ to feel again. This isn't me telling you to give up completely. I _might_ if you keep pulling shit." He raised a brow as the other man laughed uncomfortably. "I'm just asking for you to give me some time."

"Fair enough." Youji shoved his hands in his pockets. "Goodnight then." He left the room quickly and closed the door. Ran sighed in relief and got ready for bed. As he laid there trying; sleep felt impossible. He stared at the ceiling and mulled over the events of the past few weeks in his mind.

It was clear to him now that being alone with Youji was dangerous. For both of them. He didn't want to hurt the blonde on accident just because the man had little to no self control, but why? Why was it so important to him that Youji stayed intact? Why did he not want to hurt the other man? What exactly did the swordsman feel?

Ran could no longer deny that he had them. Feelings. More and more had been coming to him lately. Most had to do with Youji, and had only the vaguest shape. Some had to do with his sister. He could remember his love for her, but she needed to see that he was different now. Maybe time would help show her and he needed to be a little more open.

He knew things were hard for her since she hadn't had the same years he did to get used to their new reality as orphans. The fact that his parents were gone was new to her. At least she didn't have to deal with shit the way he had. She could continue life without having to deal with rich men using her naivety about the world against her and forcing her into...he shook his head.

"No." He whispered. There was no way in hell he was going to revisit that time in his life and he knew there was no way that he would let his sister go through _anything_ like it. He would kill the first asshole that even tried. He knew how to get away with it. Aya might not like him meddling in her life, but he had been protecting her since her birth so she would just have to deal. Lately he hadn't been the best of older brothers. Sure he had thought she wanted him to stay away and stuff, but was that a good enough excuse? Ran had forgotten about her tendency to say things she didn't mean after she calmed down. That wasn't a good excuse either. He couldn't think of _any_ for being a bad brother.

That being said, though, he didn't really know how to be a brother anymore. Didn't really know how to be what Youji wanted either. He knew he _felt_ something for the other man and it wasn't disgust. The redhead had been with men before so _that_ wasn't the problem. It was more the fact that he couldn't keep in contact with another human being for much longer than a few seconds. Ran was more used to running a blade through people than hugging them.

He sat up with a frown. Maybe that was his problem. He kept expecting violence...no. Ran was no stranger to violence and it didn't scare him. What scared him? He had to figure it out or he wouldn't be good to anyone. As it was, he made a pretty useless human being.

So what was it that attracted Youji? It couldn't be his sparkling personality, Ran thought with a roll of his eyes, he didn't really have one; sparkling or otherwise. He used to, but he had slowly cut it from his life, well maybe he had only buried it because now that his sister was back; all those emotions he had thought were gone had only been lying dormant and no matter how hard he tried; he couldn't push them away again.

He was starting to remember emotions and stuff his parents had taught him. Maybe that was what was causing all the chaos within his mind. Pushing his emotions away had become habit ever since Takatori. It had always been his way of protecting himself, but it had had a detrimental side effect. The swordsman had been so focused on revenge that he had never dealt with the emotional fallout of what that bastard had put him through. He needed to deal with it before he could let anyone close. Otherwise all he would feel when they touched him were Takatori's hands...his mouth. Ran shuddered and flipped over. He didn't want to think about that man.

Youji kept his hands off Ran the next few days, but that didn't stop the worrying. He could tell the other man wasn't sleeping. He finally pulled his friend onto the couch after another week had gone by. They had just finished closing down the shop and dinner was over, all through which; Ran had been silent.

"Please talk to me." He pleaded. Ran was looking away from him stubbornly. "I'm fucking going out of my head here. I know you're obsessing over the past and are hurting because of it. I can't stand to see that you're in pain and not be able to help." Ran snorted mirthlessly.

"Unless you have a way to bleach out bad memories; I'm afraid there's no way to help." The swordsman's gaze remained fixed to the floor. "The stupid part is that I have no one to blame but myself. I was the one who let him..." He trailed off with a shudder. Youji turned Ran's head to face him.

"Not the way I see it." Youji sighed. "He took advantage of a teen in the middle of their world shattering. There's no way you were thinking clearly." Ran lifted his gaze slowly.

"No, but how does that excuse taking money from the man that did the shattering?" Youji's eyes widened.

"Takatori." He breathed, shaken to his core. When Ran had lost his cool over the man during a mission, he had said it was because Takatori had killed his parents before injuring his sister then he had gotten pissed about Omi being his son-that had been resolved quickly, of course, but he had never said a word about _selling_ himself to the man.

"See." Ran chuckled. "Stupid."

"Or just naive. A brother that'd do _anything_ for his sister." Youji countered when he was able. Ran gave a derisive snort.

"Naive is just another word for stupid."

"I prefer to think of it in terms being un-worldly or innocent to the world."

"Stupid."

"Christ, Ran, no." Youji ached to point out that the man had claimed not to be stupid a couple months earlier, but the word _anymore_ ran through his mind, giving him the strength to ignore the impulse. "It proves you love your sister."

"That's never been an issue." Ran sighed. "As much as I hate to admit to feelings of any kind; the only problem is with how far I buried them; not that I don't have them in her case."

"Just in general."

"Exactly." The swordsman huffed then stood. "Now-" Youji pulled him into his lap, wrapping his arms around the other man's middle and pressing his face into Ran's back. "Kudou..."

"Why do you never refer to me by name?"

"I do sometimes." Ran replied after sighing. "Only the warnings to back off seem to get through these days." Youji chuckled, tightening his hold. The other man let out an actual growl making the blonde just laugh again.

"What if I don't want to let go?"

"What makes you think I mean back off emotionally?" Ran countered. "Like I said; I don't give a fuck if _you_ feel your feelings. _I_ don't want to feel _mine_."

"Oh."

"I need _physical_ space while I'm figuring this _emotional_ shit out."

"So I can still love you; I just can't _show_ you."

"Right, at least in the-wait. What?!" He turned around, shock all over his face. "You _love_ me?" Youji grinned. The man was adorable.

"Yes, babe, I _love_ you."

Aya found it hard to speak and wondered why he found the notion so surprising. He had _known_ ; hadn't he? Or at least known it was a possibility. Was the difference in hearing the words aloud or did it have more to do with how they resonated inside him?

He was so lost in his thoughts that he forgot where he was until a hardness bumped his knee. "Sorry." Youji instantly shifted. "There's this little part of me that gets excited when you bite your lip." Ran stopped automatically then sighed and met the other man's gaze. His reaction to the redhead's discomfort was a good sign; he just wasn't sure he'd _ever_ be comfortable with intimacy. Was that fair to Youji? The easiest way was to ask, but he struggled with turning the thoughts he was having into words the blonde would understand.

"Youji?" The blonde stared at him in astonishment. "What happens if the...physical stuff...doesn't..." He groaned as his face flushed in embarrassment. "What if it's _never_ okay?" He looked studiously away. "Like I-" Youji put a finger to his lips to silence him.

"Then it isn't okay." He pulled Ran to his chest. "I don't _need_ any of that stuff to love you, Ran. I just need moments like this where you open up _verbally_."

"Really?" Ran asked softly, listening to the steady beat of Youji's heart.

"Really really."


End file.
